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I haven't forgotten

I haven't forgotten you dear journal. It's just hard to be vulnerable and tell you everything that's on my mind.

Understanding this coyote.

OKay, so lost the original post, so I am going to retype this.

I've forgotten about LJ again. I don't wish to abandon it; I've had it for quite a long time. And even if nobody sees it, it's great to shout at an empty wall again. So here it goes.
My life still has been the same lately, as it always has been for the past 4 years or so. Stagnant, unmoving. Slight adventures but never going anywhere.

I feel bad. I feel bad all the time and I do mean literally when I say all the time, and when I'm not feeling bad, I'm feeling anxious and restless. I do not want to diagnose myself if this is anything normal. And I don't want anyone but a professional diagnosing me. I've heard from different people I show signs of being manic depressive, but I am not satisfied with hearing that. It sounds like something I hear people wear with a badge or crucifix. But this is something I wouldn't want to admit. It's almost embarrassing but I have to shout it out before I let it bottle up and turn sour. I don't want to say that's what I have because there's usually a reason for feeling bad. Loneliness, social anxiety, social exclusion, anxiety, worrying over my brother. It's usually something rather than just feeling blue for no reason.

The past few weeks, I've had at least 4 attempts at having fun with friends cancelled due to working late or bad circumstances (I was in a car accident the last time) and just going home defeated in doing anything, the feeling carries over for a while when you see those who do have the time enjoy themselves. I don't think they would mean to do it and make anyone feel excluded, but struggling yourself and seeing that next is just there to make it worse. I can't say anything, though, they have every right to have fun and say this and that about it. Childish, I already am aware of it, but I have a right to believe that this feeling carries with people all their life.

Today, September 16, 2012, I attended the Gay Pride Parade in Dallas and I was around many furries, about 12. Lots of friendly hugs, talks, joking, food, and a good time was had by all. Any fears I had of feeling unwanted weren't there because everyone was happy to be there. For a while, I forgot about my feeling bad.

If work didn't keep me so late and on such an inconsistent schedule, I could probably be move involved with my friends. After being around them, I felt nice. Alive, good, warm, even though I was physically cold. I want to believe that the terrible feelings are just myself being out of the loop for so long. Maybe if I can just be with nice people more often, I could erase it, bit by bit. As one fur told me when I was venting a little, I do only have this life to live out and it's mine. I've been steadily unhappy for the past 3 years and I've probably brought down a couple of my old boyfriends with it. I don't feel I could be involved with someone until I get a grip on this. I just realized this and I need to fix it. But this can be hard because I crush somewhat easily, and there's a couple people I have to admit, I'm pretty infatuated with, but I have to hold myself from pressing on because they do not need to be involved with this at the moment.

I think things can improve from here. Today put me in a different state of mind to get me to shout out what I dislike, what I feel, and how I can do something about it.

Bleh

I let my mother know of my plans and she flipped. Crying, yada yada. Damn. I thought it would be fun to have some support but she's more concerned I'll fail and won't have money and this and that. I mean, well, thanks for believing in me. Well, she is my Mother, she'll worry. Once I have a more stable job, I can get my life in track, finish school, and do something with my life.

Though I felt selfish when I was rambling this. How dare I want to improve instead of put up with it anymore. Or that they used to work way harder than I do now.

Whatever.

She doesn't know about Dono, my friend who is perhaps the most suppostive in all this. He wants to help me get better but he helps a lot. I almost feel like I am taking advantage so I have to just get used to people wanting to help me.

I wish he were here.

My Life is a Mess.

I need to dust off my LJ because I have stuff to say. And I have good friends to vent too but it's wrong to just.... dump everything on them. So here goes.

I'm back LJ. It's been a long time! =) 10 years!!! I can't believe it's that old.

The title is true. My life is terribly stagnant. The Furry Fiesta convention was the only fun thing I've had in a while. It's stagnant and inconsistent. My job, the same coffee one has officially run me to my core. The hours are terribly inconsistent; I find myself working routinely 60-65 hours a week and I get paid salary and a pretty low one at that, considering the pain I go through. I'm not far and above what I used to make managing a fast food joint, like I used to do.

So nuts to that. Time to move on. I just work long hours, go home and fiddle online, and sleep. I hardly have time for friends, meets, and I have to leave on a short moment's notice at times... so that limits what I do. Sometimes work saps me of my energy that when I do have the chance to go, I have no desire to. My confidence and such has been lacking, as well.

But not anymore! I'm over it. I'm ready for a complete change. And it isn't one of those weak resolutions that will be forgotten soon. this is real.

It has to be before I completely crumble.

Going Home

I can't help this.

I dislike staying at other people's houses at night; sleeping over, whatnot. This happened a lot. After Furry Fiesta and with many visits to friends houses.

I am not sure why. I am just the type of person who gets up early. And every place I stay in, people stay up late. They do not get up until like 11AM or so and I can't deal sitting bored for 5 hours waiting on them. Besides. I spend quite a bit of time socializing and I do enjoy going home and doing the things I like to do. Music, games, DVDs, etc. I'm perfectly fine with winding down by myself.

It's been a very very busy Spring Break. Work was overdrive again and I spent a lot of time with Dev.

I get overwhelmed by being out too much. I like being home.

But it's probably a better feeling to be wanted than not be.

900

Journal is 9 years old. 900th post.

Figured I should mark it. Maybe I can have 1000 for year 10 next year?

Feeling bleh. Con crud? Missing everyone? The feeling of something missing in my life?
Who knows.

It'll pass.

Furry Fiesta 2011

Furry Fiesta 2011 is over. I've made posts here and there but not on Twitter. Pretty rad for a con, yes. I had an excellent time.

Nutshell? I roomed with my friends Houndu, Snowy, and Spike, whom I am not very familiar with but know well enough to trust. Room was okay, no issues. Except poor Snowy was ill for the most part. =/ I wish he was better. I mainly spent the con in "walking circles" mode. Not many panels were interesting enough for me. The only one I spent the longest was Dev's writing panel.

I got pretty drunk Saturday night. My friends Keggy and Snowy had to help me to my bed where I crashed, though not without trying to want to go back to the party. Thankfully I just went to sleep after a while.

I met a lot of great people. Some I liked a lot, some turned out to be kind of cold.

I ate a lot of bad food. Buffalo Wild Wings, Cindi's, Genghis Grill (twice), Babe's Chicken. Ugh. Not that much again... Not for a while.

I commissioned only 2 pieces this year. A badge which was completed next day and one I am still waiting on.

The con's over now. I've got some great reading material so I can quit getting in the habit of being distracted online. I get way too distracted, very easily.

Now to return to normal mode.

And hopefully begin picking up my life together. I've become extremely displeased with my life situation and the time to pick up begins now.

No title

I still check my Livejournal every day on instinct. I don't have much to write about. Well, I do, but it is bothersome.

http://www.twitter.com/kamicoyote

Best way to check for any small things and whatnot.

Much love for everyone on Christmas today. I am just done with 2010.

A Week with the Raccoon

Work is hell as usual. Life too.
I've been in debt for the past 3 months but in a couple weeks I make my last payment! Squee!

Last week, Dev came and visited me in Dallas. I did see him every day and I hope I made a good time. Occasional squabble but nothing major. Highlights? We ate a lot of food. The most notable being the "sacrilegious" vegan restaurant (mainly due that all the entrees has celestial/hindu/christian titled eats such as having your food "Allah carte"). We also went to the Japanese Gardens in Fort Worth. Good pics.

http://pics.livejournal.com/feelthewind/pic/00121ec7

Lookit the Koi Fish!

Last, we saw the Scott Pilgrim movie with our friend Houndu. The one movie that hardly everyone wouldn't shut up about. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't enjoyable because it was. But something about it also annoyed me very slightly. It was pretty loud. But overall more good than bad. While I was there, I ran into an old friend from high school xD What weird timing! Mainly because it was on a Sunday showing, in the evening, and at a Studio Movie Grill in Plano. Weeeeeeeeeeeiirrd.. That guy is married and stuff. I remember when he was a geeky little shrimp. Man times change.

I got nothing else. I did go to the hookah bar in Arlington today with Snowy and his friend and it's alright. I need to find a good place, however. The one in Arlington has frequent problems and borderline lousy service. The Richardson one is alright but too far for Snowy to drive and I am unsure if any furs would want to do it with me. And Denton... a little bit of a drive. But I can't do it at home.

Sigh. Life is pretty okay. Could be better, still. I have more improving to do.

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