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Understanding this coyote.

OKay, so lost the original post, so I am going to retype this.

I've forgotten about LJ again. I don't wish to abandon it; I've had it for quite a long time. And even if nobody sees it, it's great to shout at an empty wall again. So here it goes.
My life still has been the same lately, as it always has been for the past 4 years or so. Stagnant, unmoving. Slight adventures but never going anywhere.

I feel bad. I feel bad all the time and I do mean literally when I say all the time, and when I'm not feeling bad, I'm feeling anxious and restless. I do not want to diagnose myself if this is anything normal. And I don't want anyone but a professional diagnosing me. I've heard from different people I show signs of being manic depressive, but I am not satisfied with hearing that. It sounds like something I hear people wear with a badge or crucifix. But this is something I wouldn't want to admit. It's almost embarrassing but I have to shout it out before I let it bottle up and turn sour. I don't want to say that's what I have because there's usually a reason for feeling bad. Loneliness, social anxiety, social exclusion, anxiety, worrying over my brother. It's usually something rather than just feeling blue for no reason.

The past few weeks, I've had at least 4 attempts at having fun with friends cancelled due to working late or bad circumstances (I was in a car accident the last time) and just going home defeated in doing anything, the feeling carries over for a while when you see those who do have the time enjoy themselves. I don't think they would mean to do it and make anyone feel excluded, but struggling yourself and seeing that next is just there to make it worse. I can't say anything, though, they have every right to have fun and say this and that about it. Childish, I already am aware of it, but I have a right to believe that this feeling carries with people all their life.

Today, September 16, 2012, I attended the Gay Pride Parade in Dallas and I was around many furries, about 12. Lots of friendly hugs, talks, joking, food, and a good time was had by all. Any fears I had of feeling unwanted weren't there because everyone was happy to be there. For a while, I forgot about my feeling bad.

If work didn't keep me so late and on such an inconsistent schedule, I could probably be move involved with my friends. After being around them, I felt nice. Alive, good, warm, even though I was physically cold. I want to believe that the terrible feelings are just myself being out of the loop for so long. Maybe if I can just be with nice people more often, I could erase it, bit by bit. As one fur told me when I was venting a little, I do only have this life to live out and it's mine. I've been steadily unhappy for the past 3 years and I've probably brought down a couple of my old boyfriends with it. I don't feel I could be involved with someone until I get a grip on this. I just realized this and I need to fix it. But this can be hard because I crush somewhat easily, and there's a couple people I have to admit, I'm pretty infatuated with, but I have to hold myself from pressing on because they do not need to be involved with this at the moment.

I think things can improve from here. Today put me in a different state of mind to get me to shout out what I dislike, what I feel, and how I can do something about it.

Comments

( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
milesamatthias
Sep. 17th, 2012 03:31 pm (UTC)
Take away "forgot about" and instead replace with "no desire to write" and you have where I stand with LJ. I've had mine for over 10 years, and have no wish to leave it. It's just rare I have the desire to write- but when I do it's good to still use it. So for what it's worth, you'll at least have one reader.

As for what's going on... not much I can add, think you know it doesn't differ a whole lot from what I'm struggling with. We really should chat more either way. I'm available if ya ever wanna get anything off your mind or anything else.
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )

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